8 Days a Wreck

As we prepare in less than a month to celebrate our nation’s independence from King George III, let’s take an honest look at the state of our union under King… I mean, President George W:

• The dollar’s at an historic low
• We’re fighting wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan
• U.S. homeowner equity is at a record low (46.2%)
• Record home foreclosures and mortgage delinquencies
• The nation’s jobless rate jumped to 5.5% in May (the largest monthly increase in 22 years)

But, it’s not all low, low, low, because…

• Oil’s at an all-time high ($138 a barrel as of this writing and expected to climb to $150 a barrel by July 4)

So, besides “it could be worse,” what do we have to be thankful for this 4th of July?

Free boobs!!!

You see, Torrid at Hawaiian Tropic Zone is celebrating the 4th of July by hosting, “Red, White & Boobs,” a contest in which one “lucky” woman will win free breast augmentation (AKA “freedom boobs”) to be performed by Cosmetic Surgery of Las Vegas’ Dr. Samir Pancholi.

Seriously, what better way to celebrate our nation’s independence than by giving away a free pair of boobs, right? Wrong. The fact is this “Red, White & Boobs” is about as unpatriotic as it gets. Why? Because in the Rules & Regulations it says, “Men are not eligible to compete or win.” Why not? After all, wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who wrote in our U.S. Constitution that, “all men are created equal”? No, he didn’t. Thomas Jefferson wrote, “all men are created equal.” And, it was in our Declaration of Independence. Don’t worry about it. History’s written by the winners, and read by the losers.

Anyway, what’s important here is that women aren’t the only ones who have boob jobs. In fact, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS), male breast reduction (gynecomastia) was performed 21,311 times in the U.S. in 2007. Seems to me that it should be self-evident then that “Red, White & Boobs” treat the sexes as equals and open the contest up to both men and women. Then, finally, this 4th of July, we Americans can say in a single, unified voice, “mission accomplished.”

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “I have a dream…”

Mike

P.S. You know what really makes me mad about this contest? They put an apostrophe in “Boob’s” (???). It’s not “boob’s.” It’s “breasteses.” You know, Torrid/Hawaiian Tropic, there’s a plastic surgery copywriter out there. And though his (my) services aren’t free, he (I) can be bought. Hit me back.