8 Days a Wreck

To the Last of the Famous International Playboys,

Despite the fact that you’ve never written, called or even faxed (I’ve got one, you know?), I’ve remained a loyal fan of yours for 20+ years. In fact, I’d say that I’m probably your biggest. Over the course of the past couple decades, I’ve not only followed your career, but also everything you’ve said to the letter. And while we’ve each grown a lot older, I can honestly say I’ve never grown tired of you. Although, with the video to your new song (”All You Need Is Me”), I don’t mind saying that I feel like your calling my loyalty into question. Anyway, it’s because of the obvious connection between the two of us that I’m sending you this silly note.

You see, I’ve learned a lot from listening to your songs (here, by the way, are the Top 10):

10. A bad haircut can indeed totally destroy your life
9. LA is too hot (I speak from experience having lived there 1991-2006)
8. The world is full of crashing bores
7. Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to (actually, I’m still in the process of learning this one)
6. Keats and Yeats are no match for Wilde
5. Most people keep their brains between their legs (and never is this more apparent than when I’m in some pub, watching everyone around me laughing and singing and finally living… while I sit in the corner enjoying a Guinness and getting off on The Selected Poems of Anne Sexton. Thank you… I think.)
4. Envy makes magistrates cry
3. Everybody needs to be loved
2. Everyone lies (and you said it long before Dr. House)
1. Everyday is like Sunday… silent and grey

I would say that I also learned that some girls are bigger than others, but honestly, I kind of figured that one out on my own.

Anyway, you see, because you’ve pretty much always been there for me, I want to be here for you now. Dude, the video for your new single “All You Need Is Me” sucks.

LIKE YOU, I AM HATED FOR LOVING

Besides all of the cash I’ve spent on your albums, concerts and merchandise over the years, I’ve also paid another price in the form of ridicule and threats of violence (I’m from Indiana). Still, after seeing the video for “All You Need Is Me,” I’m willing to pay a bit more. How’s $50 sound? Just have your people contact my people (me) – and again, yes, I have a fax – and the $50 is all yours. In fact, if you have a PayPal account, I can have it to you in minutes. Now, I understand $50 might not seem like a lot to you (although it’s a whole heck of a lot to Andy and Mike, mind you), but I figure it’s 10 times the budget of this video.

LIKE YOU (HOPEFULLY), I AM DISAPPOINTED WITH THE VIDEO FOR “ALL YOU NEED IS ME”

I know the Internet isn’t really your thing, but here’s what some of your other fans have to say about your new video (note: the following opinions don’t really matter as much as mine, because like I said, I’m your only true fan):

• “A legend made to look way too cheap.”

• “Groan. The production value? Well, there was none. I can only imagine this was all done with a hand-held Steadycam filmed in the backyard of Morrissey’s lawyer’s house.”

• “Feels like they were just messing about outside and then someone filmed it and then it was the new video. No real thought process.”

• “Awful. Just awful.”

• “Great song, but the video is really bad.”

• “A lot of very talented directors would have been willing to shoot a Morrissey video for little or no compensation. Instead, another pisstake.”

Now, this begs the question-who directed the video?

LIKE YOU (AT LEAST, I THOUGHT), I KNOW THESE THINGS TAKE TIME

The New York Observer reports that the video for “All You Need Is Me” was directed by Manhattan photographer and blogger, Patrick O’Dell. The Observer states, “… [O'Dell] is a massive fan who’d featured Morrissey shows on his blog… with the exception of a lo-fi, do-it-yourself sort of shoot he did for the experimental indie band Panda Bear, he’d never filmed a music video before.”

It shows.

The article also states that your former manager Merck Mercuriadis called O’Dell and asked him to not just film the video, but also to direct it-the following day! Nothing like waiting to the last minute, and then hiring someone with no experience.

LIKE YOU, WELL, I WONDER WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

Obviously, neither your songs nor your videos have received much radio/tv play here in America despite the fact that pretty much every song you’ve ever recorded is pure genius and you’ve made some really great videos (”Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before” and “Suedehead” immediately come to mind). Sadly, with your new video, I expect the trend to continue. Why? Because I could barely sit through it, and I love the song! Now, I’d like nothing more than to blame O’Dell (and over time, I’ll justify some reason to do just that), unfortunately, for the time being, I have to place the blame firmly on your shoulders.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself, Well, Mr. Entertainment Copywriter (I knew we had a connection, otherwise, how would you have known I’m a copywriter), what sort of video might you have shot? Well, let me answer your question with a question: in the video for a song called “All You Need Is Me,” why feature anyone other than yourself?

Here’s how I would’ve shot the video (in classic, black-and-white, of course):

Dressed in grey slacks, white dress shirt, black cardigan and wearing glasses, Morrissey stands in front of white (or black) backdrop as the song plays. Morrissey doesn’t dance. Morrissey doesn’t lip-synch. Morrissey doesn’t allow any of his band mates any camera time AT ALL. Instead, as the song plays, Morrissey simply does what he does best-plays coy, running his fingers through his hair, taking off and putting away his glasses. Pulling open his shirt a bit. That’s it.

I LIKE YOU (OBVIOUSLY), AND I WANT TO HELP

Your insightful and often humorous lyrics have helped me endure long, lonely nights. You have also enlightened me and countless others to the rights of animals. Additionally, you’ve influenced the way I dress and the authors I read. Most importantly, probably, through your always-witty interviews, you informed me very early on that any music other than your own was pretty much a waste of time and money. As a freelance copywriter, thank you.

In closing, I’m sending you this silly note for one simple reason-because I like you (and I hope that you’ll ask me to film and direct a video for your upcoming album, “Years of Refusal”).

Until that time, I’ll leave you with another comment left by a caring fan:

“… this man [Morrissey] so does not give a f*ck anymore. which is kind of awesome.”

Do you give a f*ck anymore? Because a lot of your fans (probably every one of them) do. And, I do, and I’m your biggest. So, tonight, please see these words in your head and consider them, kind sir.

I don’t need to tell you, as I’m sure your band is required to have the following tattooed on their bodies, but you were #3 in NME’s (I know, I know) Top 50 Heroes. Four of The Smiths albums made Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums. The 2008 edition of WOXY’s Modern Rock 500 included five of your songs. BBC Culture Show named you one of the Top 10 Living Icons. Telegraph named you (and Johnny) #3 Best British Songwriter(s), ahead of Paul McCartney, John/Taupin and Jagger/Richards. In 2007, the Synectics Survey of Contemporary Geniuses named you one of the Top 100 Living Geniuses.

You deserve better than the “All You Need Is Me” video. So do we, your fans. So does the song.

Anyway, this is the last blog I will ever post… no, I’ve changed my mind, again. Goodnight, and thank you.